Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me.
All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see...
[Points to his head]
...there's enough shit in here to fuck Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.
Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head.
[shows the nose device]
Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.
[Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the nose device up his nose]
When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.
[Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug]
This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a bitch that fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!