Top 19 quotes from Mortdecai (2015)

Quotes from movie Mortdecai (2015)
 
Mortdecai:
[calling through the door]
Johanna. Are you all right in there, darling? It is I, Charlie... Your husband.
Johanna:
What is it?
Mortdecai:
Oh, moon of my delight. This is your own personalized Sheik of Araby who seeks admission into your tent. I have come to carry you off to the burning desert, and work my greasy will upon you under the tropical stars. Send your camel to bed, damn it!
Johanna:
[sighs]
My Sheik, does this mean you have excommunicated that mustache of the Prophet?
Mortdecai:
...I'll trim it... Darling. I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade, from which I may not well return. And it is customary in these situations for, you know, a proper send-off. Quick session of congress. Sink the Bismarck, if you will. And by the way, did I mention it is a matter of national security.
Mortdecai:
Mmm.
[forces his way in]
 
[first lines]

Mortdecai:
As you may well know, I am many things. An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer, fair shot with most weapons. I am loved and respected by all who know me - slightly. But I have always felt as if there's something missing, you see. Some final piece of my personal puzzle. I needed something bold, distinctive.
[his cocktail arrives]

Mortdecai:
Ah, thank you. The work of art with which I could declare to the heavens, I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai. And this is a little bit of magic is my mustache...
 
Mortdecai:
[upon viewing a murder victim]
Ugh. I think this women has need of a chiropractor.
Martland:
Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer. Did you know here?
Mortdecai:
Slightly. I do recall a vague memory of her having once, involuntarily, one would hope, releasing a fart of such frightening power and timbre that I feared she had done herself a horrible mischief.
 
Martland:
The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's bitch in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident. A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes.
Mortdecai:
I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference.
 
Mortdecai:
Oh, my darling, I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you, I really did. But I just couldn't do it.
Johanna:
It's a terrible moment when you finding yourself falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it?
Mortdecai:
Now that is the look that softens every bone in my body, except one.
 
Mortdecai:
Your mother and father only met once. And money changed hands.
Dmitri:
[punches him]

Mortdecai:
Probably less than a 20. And they say she was dressed as a man at the time.
 
Mortdecai:
Quite a conundrum, this. I shall need a moment to thing this through, I'm afraid.
Johanna:
Yes, do. Do think. Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo, holding a dead man's Goya.
 
Mortdecai:
...kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt.
Johanna:
Uhh, don't point that thing at me.
Jock:
Told ya!
 
Mortdecai:
[receiving his room key]
So, all I must do is show up, and I'm presented with a credit card. No wonder your country's in financial ruin.
 
Mortdecai:
Have you heard the expression, "open your balls"?
Jock:
No, sir.
Mortdecai:
It made me feel dirty.
 
Martland:
Can you think of a good reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now?
Mortdecai:
I eschew discomfort?
 
Mortdecai:
I should probably mention, this is not the first time I shot Jock.
[shifts to skeet shooting scene]
 
Mortdecai:
What should I do now?
Jock:
Run, sir.
Mortdecai:
Again?
Jock:
Yes!
 
Maurice:
[to Martland]
Of all sad words of tongue or pen the saddest are these "It might have been".
 
Mortdecai:
Your mother and father only knew each other for a day, and money changed hands.
 
Spinoza:
[spewing at Mortdecai]
What's the matter, you one book short of a library?
 
Mortdecai:
Oh, how I long for the rain and indifference of Europe.
 
Martland:
[to Mortdecai]
What is that infernal thing on your lip?
 
Mortdecai:
I had no idea I was so deep in Her Majesty's hole!
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